I am going to tell you something
by PhoenixPadfoot89
Summary: This is a list of funny things that Dumbledore could say to Harry. My friend Uptight and I wrote them.
1. I Am Going To Tell You Something

These are some ideas of what Dumbledore will say to Harry in the fifth book. My friend prongs and I wrote these. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I did not make up the characters, or the phrase, "It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you five years ago." That was taken from the fifth book.

" It is time for me to tell you something that I should have told you 5 years ago. Please sit down."

" What?"

"You are a muggle. We made a mistake, but were too lazy to send you back. We charmed your wand so a muggle could use it."

" Really? And all this time I thought I was a wizard." He went back to Privet Drive.

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" It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago. Harry, I belong to the Smile Gay Teletubby club. And we want you to join."

" Are you kidding? All my life, I have wanted to join the SGT club! It was my idol."

" Harry, can I have a hug?"

" AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

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" It is time for me to tell you what I should have told you 5 years ago."

What could it be? Harry thought.

" Harry… I know this might be a shock to you, but… Elvis is dead."

" NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry owned all of the King's records.

" Voldemort killed him when he wouldn't perform without hair gel."

" Darn you, Voldie! I never should have bought you that new car!"

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" It is time that I tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago."

" Is it good news or bad news?"

" What would you do if I said good?"

" I would most likely be happy."

" And if I said bad?"

" I would…er… run and scream in horror?"

"I guess I should put a silencing charm on the room, then, shouldn't I?"

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" It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago."

" Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why haven't you told me yet?"

" Told you what?"

" What ever you were about to tell me?"

" Do you know what I was about to tell you?"

" How would I know?"

" How _would_ you know?"

" Can you just get on with what you were going to say?"

" I don't know, can I?"

" Can you?"

" Can I?"

" Can you?"

" Can I?"

" Do you realize we've been speaking in questions?"

" How stupid do you think I am?"

" Should I really answer that?"

" Ever heard of a rhetorical question?"

" WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME?"

" Do you have a problem with the way I run my school?"

" Where did _that_ come from?"

(Whispers) * No, didn't you know you were supposed to say, " I don't know, do you?"? *

* Oh, was I? * (Out loud) " I don't know, do you?"

" Do you?" 

" Do you?"

" Do you?"

" OH, SHUT UP!" Harry stormed out of the office.

Dumbledore blinked. " Was that a question?"

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" It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago."

" I'm ready for it."

" Harry, you are Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty."

" I'm _who_? Why am I in a male body?"

" Er… well… how about I answer that question in another 5 years?"

" No, now!"

" Because… because… Isn't it time for lunch? I'm starved!" Dumbledore rushed out, leaving a very confused Harry sitting in front of his desk.

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" It is time for me to tell you what I should have told you 5 years ago."

" What?"

" Michael Jackson is in love with you."

" NO! THE HORROR!"

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" It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago. Please sit down."

Harry was a little scared. What was Albus Dumbledore going to say?

" Harry… Professor Snape is your birth mother."

" What?!?" Harry stood up. " But… everyone says I've got my mother's eyes!"

" If everyone said you should jump off a bridge, would you?"

" Er… what?"

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" It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago. Sit down."

Harry sat down, feeling nervous.

" Stand up." He stood.

" Sit down." Harry sat.

" Stand up." He stood again.

" Sit down." Harry looked at Dumbledore.

" Why?"

Dumbledore laughed. " I love doing that!" Then he said, " Stand up!"

" I am already standing!" Harry was getting annoyed.

" Oh. Then sit down."

" No!"

" _Imperio_!" Dumbledore cursed Harry. A small voice in Harry's head said, 

" Sit down!" Harry sat.

" Stand up!" Harry stood.

" Go tell Snape you love him and then do a hula dance!" Harry went to find his Potions teacher.

When Harry proclaimed his everlasting love and started to dance, Snape shot him to put him out of his misery.

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" It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago. Please sit down."

Harry sat. (A/N: No, not this again!)

" Harry, you are allergic to nuts."

 Harry was stunned. He never knew this.

" Which kind?"

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" Harry, it is time for me to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago."

" W-What is it?"

" Can I call you Luke?"

" Um… sure."

" Luke, I am your father."

" Really?"

" No, I just always wanted to say that."

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" Harry, It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago."

" What?"

" You know you are a Parcelmouth?"

" Yes…"

" Well, you are also a DungoToung."

" Which means…?"

" You can talk to Dung Beetles."

" What? No!"

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" I am going to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago."

" Why? What is it?"

" Harry, you have diarrhea"

Harry's stomach grumbled. " Oh, 'scuse me a second…"

He rushed to the bathroom.  

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" It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you 5 years ago."

" What is it?" Harry asked? " I've been waiting for five years for this! What could be so important that you had to wait till I was fifteen to tell me?"

" You have an overdue library book"

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" Harry, it is time for me to tell you what I should have told you 5 years ago."

" Well tell me!"

" I want you to go find Severus Snape and-"

" DON'T FINISH THAT THOUGHT!" Harry yelled and sprinted out of the room.

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" It is time for me to tell you something I should have told you five years ago."

" What is it?"

" Never eat raspberries." 

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" It is time for me to tell you what I should-"

" Look, we all know where this is going! You say your little speech, I ask what, and then you say something stupid. Why don't you just tell me something that Rowling would really write?" Harry said, exasperated.

" Hmm… how about… NO!" Dumbledore laughed. " Now, I have to tell you that… you are a wizard!"

Harry got up and went to the door. Just before he slammed the door, he yelled, " I ALREADY KNOW!"

" It is time for me to tell you what I should have five years ago."

" What is it? Is it why Voldemort wanted to kill me?"

" Yes. Here it is: you are Voldemort's father!"

" What!? Then how… but why… AAAAAAHHHH!"

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" I'm gonna tell you something I should have told you five years ago."

" What is it?"

" Your fly's open."

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"… should have told you five years ago."

" Ok, tell me."

" No, Harry, you're supposed to say, 'oh, no! What if it's something horrible? What if it ruins my life?'. Aren't you scared?"

" Um… no."

*Dumbledore puts on a scary mask*

" Does this scare you?"

" Er, no."

* sneaks up behind Harry* 

" Boo! Are you scared now?"

" No." 

* puts on a dress and a blond wig *

" Like, I'm a cheerleader!"  he batted his eyelashes.

" AAAAAAAAAAAA!" 

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" Harry, it is time for me to tell you something I should have five years ago."

" ok, shoot." Harry said, so Dumbledore pulled out a .44 pistol…

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" Harry, it's time for me to tell you something I should have told you five years ago."

" Ok" said Harry. Dumbledore sang:

" In days of old

When men were bold

And paper wasn't invented, 

They wiped their a**

With broken glass

And walked away contented."

Harry stared at him. " Why did you sing that?"

" No reason," Dumbledore shrugged. " I just made it up and had to tell someone."

If you have any suggestions, even if you think that they are stupid, pleeze pleeze review and tell me! I might use them in the next chapter. But, I'm gonna try to finish these before June 21.

Or I might continue after the book, even though she already wrote it. I'll write could-be's.

Anyway, pleeze review! With suggestions!


	2. The Sorting Hat's New Song

Hi, I'm back! I know many of you liked the "I am going to tell you something…" stories, but I decided to make this into something new. I'll go through most of the chapters in any of the four books and write: "What Could Have Been and Should Have Been". Basically, I'll make fun of the scenes and characters. Well, I hope you enjoy, and if you have any suggestions on chapters I should do or something, please let me know!

Book 5

What could have been and should have been: The Sorting Hat's New Song

_($$)_

"Well, now that we are all digesting another magnificent feast, I beg a few moments of your attention for the usual start-of-term notices" said Dumbledore. "First years ought to know that the forest in the grounds is out of bounds to students—and a few of your older students ought to know that by now too. 

  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged smirks.

"And also, I have some good news-"

"Lupin's back? Hagrid didn't bring anything dangerous to the school this year?" A student blurted out.

"No," said Dumbledore. "I saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico"

The students all groaned and stormed off to their common rooms.

"What? I _saved!_ I thought that _meant_ something to you!"

_($)_

The school waited with batted breath. Then the rim near the hat's brim opened wide like a mouth and the sorting hat burst into song:

_In times of old when I was new_

_And Hogwarts barley started_

_The founders of our noble school_

_Thought never to be parted._

_United by a common goal,_

_They had the selfsame yearning_

_To make the world's best magic school_

_And pass along their learning_

"Together we will build and teach" 

_The four good friends decided_

_And never did they dream that they _

_Might somday be divided_

_For were there such friends anywhere_

_As Slytherin and Gryffindor?_

_Unless it was the other pair--------_

_Oh, screw it!_

_1,2,3 go!_

_My baby don't mess around_

_Because she loves me so_

_And this I know fo sho_

_But does she really wanna_

_But can't stand to see me walk out the do'_

_Don't try to fight the feeling_

_'Cause the thought alone_

_Is killing me right now_

_Thank God for Mom and Dad_

_For sticking two together_

_Cause we don't know how_

_Hey ya….Hey ya…._

_Hey ya….Hey ya…._

_Hey ya….Hey ya…._
    
    _Hey ya….Hey ya…._ 
    
    _You think you've got it _
    
    _Oh, you think you've got it _
    
    _But got it just don't get it _
    
    _Til theres's nothing at all (Ah!)_
    
    _We get together _
    
    _Oh, we get together _
    
    _But separate's always better _
    
    _When there's feelings involved (Oh!) _
    
    _If what they say is 'nothing is forever,' _
    
    _Then what makes _
    
    _Then what makes _
    
    _Then what makes _
    
    _Then what makes _
    
    _Then what makes (What makes? What makes?) _
    
    _Love the exception? _
    
    _So why oh, why oh _
    
    _Why oh, why oh, why oh_
    
    _Are we so in denial _
    
    _When we know we're not happy here? _
    
    _(Ya'll don't want to hear me _
    
    _You just want to dance _
    
    _Hey Ya.. Hey Ya _
    
    _Hey Ya.. Hey Ya _
    
    _Hey Ya.. Hey Ya _
    
    _Hey Ya.. Hey Ya)_
    
    _Oh oh! _
    
    _Oh oh! _
    
    _Don't want to meet your daddy (Oh oh!) _
    
    _Just want you in my Caddy (Oh oh! Oh oh!) _
    
    _Don't want to meet your momma (Oh oh!) _
    
    _Just want to make you come-a (Oh oh!) _
    
    _I'm (Oh oh!) _
    
    _I'm (Oh oh!) _
    
    _I'm just being honest (Oh oh_
    
    _I'm just being honest _
    
    _Hey! Alright now! _
    
    _Alright now, fellas! (Yeah!) _
    
    _Now what's cooler than being cool? (Ice cold!) _
    
    _I can't hear ya! _
    
    _I say what's, what's cooler than being cool? (Ice cold!) _
    
    _Alright! (15x) _
    
    _Okay now, ladies! (Yeah!) _
    
    _Now we gon' break this thing down in just a few seconds _
    
    _Now don't have me break this thing down for nothin! _
    
    _Now I wanna see ya'll on ya'll baddest behavior!_
    
    _Lend me some sugar! _
    
    _I am your neighbor! _
    
    _Ah! Here we go! Uh! _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it (Oh oh!) _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it _
    
    _Shake it, shake it _
    
    _Sh-shake it (Oh oh!) _
    
    _Shake it like a polaroid picture _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it (Hey ya!) _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it _
    
    _Shake it, shake it _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it (Shake it sugar!) _
    
    _Shake it like a polaroid picture _
    
    _(Shake it, sh-shake it _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it _
    
    _Shake it, shake it _
    
    _Sh-shake it _
    
    _Shake it like a polaroid picture _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it _
    
    _Shake it, shake it _
    
    _Shake it, sh-shake it _
    
    _Shake it like a polaroid picture) _
    
    _Now all Beyonce's and Lucy Lui's and baby dolls _
    
    _Get on the floor _
    
    _Get on the floor _
    
    _You know what to do _
    
    _You know what to do _
    
    _You know what to do _
    
    _Hey Ya.. Hey Ya _
    
    _Hey Ya.. Hey Ya _
    
    _Hey Ya.. Hey Ya _
    
    _Hey Ya.. Hey Ya   
    
      
    
    _
    
    _Hey Ya.. Hey Ya..._

The sorting hat usually confined itself to describing the different qualities looked for by each of the four houses of Hogwarts and its own role in sorting them; Harry could not remember it ever trying to sing and dance to Outkast before.

_($)_

…Professor McGonagall lowered her eyes to her long piece of parchment and called out,

"Abercrombie, Euan"

The terrified looking by Harry noticed earlier stumbled and put the hat on his head. The hat considered for a moment, then the rip near the brim opened again and shouted "GRYFFINDOR!"

Harry clapped loudly with the rest of Gryffindor House as Euan Abercrombie staggered to their table and sat down, looking as though he would like to sink through the floor. 

"Hello, Euan Abercrombie." Hermione said kindly.

"That's an odd name" Ron said and Hermione slapped him.

"Well," Euan explained, "Actually, Euan is just a cover-up. My _real_ name is Fitch"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione just stared.

_($)_

"…It's a figure of speech!" said Nearly Headless Nick, now so annoyed his head was trembling ominously on his partially severed neck. "I assume I am still allowed to enjoy the use of whichever words I like, even if the pleasures of eating and drinking are denied me! But I am quite used to students poking fun at my death, I assure you!"

"Nick, he wasn't really laughing at you!" said Hermione, throwing a furious look at Ron. 

Unfortunately, Ron's mouth was packed to exploding point again and all he could manage to say was "node iddum eentup sechew" which Nick did not seem to think constituted an adequate apology. Rising into the air he straightened his feathered hat and swept away from them to the other end of the table, coming to rest between the Creevy brothers, Colin and Dennis.

"Well done, Ron" snapped Hermione. 

"What did he say?" asked Harry, confused.

"Dy ced, node iddum eentup sechew" Ron repeated as though the meaning were obvious.

"Well, what ever it was, it was rude. And I can see how anyone would take offence at seeing Ron talk with his mouth full." Hermione sneered.

Ron looked angrily at her and then noticed Harry still wore a confused look. Ron repeated what he had just said. 

"Ron, I really can't understand you." Harry said clearly, and for the third time, Ron repeated what he had said rather impatiently. 

"Nose eat 'em. Ketchup says shoe?" Harry tried to translate unsuccessfully. Ron rolled his eyes and opened his mouth, about to speak again.

"No, Ron, don't bother talking until you're finished chewing. Honestly!" Hermione reprimanded. Ron glared at her, but closed his mouth and began to chew slowly. After several minutes, it became clear that Ron was not getting anywhere. 

"Ronald, what on _earth_ are you doing? Eat! It's not that hard!" 

Ron opened his mouth to breathe, but he ended up choking on the lump of mush that was food that rested in his mouth and never seemed to get smaller. Ron hacked and coughed until Hermione and Harry realized there was something wrong with him.

The whole Hall stopped to watch as Hermione performed the Heimlich on Ron. When that stopped working, she bent down and gave Ron the mouth-to-mouth. After many tries, Ron finally spit the food out all over his best friend. Harry, drenched in who the hell knows what, kicked Ron who was now fully recovered. 

"Thanks" gasped the Weasley. Harry and Hermione nodded. 

The rest of the evening passed, and as Ron and Harry were walking to their dorm, Harry asked offhandedly, "What was it you were really saying to Nick?"

Ron thought a moment, then leaned over and whispered in Harry's ear, "I bet him 40 sickles that I would have Hermione's lips on mine before the end of the night". Harry smacked him. 

_($)_

"_Hem, hem" _

Dumbledore looked taken aback for only a moment, then he sat down smartly and looked at Professor Umbridge as though he desired nothing better than to listen to her talk. Other members of the staff were not so adept at hiding their surprise. Professor McGonagall's mouth was a thin as Harry had ever seen it. 

"Well," she began, "It is lovely to be here back at Hogwarts, I must say!" She smiled. "And to see such happy little faces looking back at me."

In fact, there were more than just happy little faces pointing back at here. There were also fingers, tushes, and other unmentionable body parts aimed in her direction. 

"I'm sure we'll all be good friends!" McGonagall's mouth became thinner. 

"The ministry of magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of vital importance…" And the transfiguration teacher's mouth was yet again as thin as can be.  As the DADA teacher blabbed about how great the ministry was, McGonagall's mouth was thinner…

…and thinner…

…and thinner…

and then it became so thin that it disappeared. She screamed but no one could hear because she didn't have a mouth. Professor Dumbledore cried because he could not kiss his dear 'Kitten' anymore. Oh, well…he'd find new places to kiss her…

_($)_

"Yes, the speech certainly was illuminating. It explained a lot." Hermione said grimly.

"Did it?" Harry asked in surprise. "Sounded like a load of waffle to me."

"There was some important stuff hidden in the waffle." Said Hermione. 

"Was there?" said Ron blankly. 

"Like syrup?" Harry asked stupidly.

"You idiot. The syrup is on the _outside_ of the waffle." Ron said, exasperated. 

_($)_

"Don't you have a go at my mother!" snapped Seamus.

"I'll have a go at anyone who calls me a liar," said Harry.

"Don't talk to me like that!" 

"Yo mama so fat that she sits _around_ the house." Harry taunted.

"Well, yo mama's dead!"

"…And my mama could _still_ kick yo mama's ass, Finnagin!" Harry said.

"Why you mother f-"

"Yo" interrupted Ron. "Wha' ya on, abou', bro?" 

"Finnagin's on crack, homie" Harry said to his homie.

" S'all cool, bro, s'all cool." Seamus told Ron, too tired to keep fighting. 

"Y'all gonna end up in da  ghetto, ya no?" Ron said warningly.  Harry and Seamus went to bed. "Werd."  Said Ron.

_(($$))_

Did you like it? Comments? Please review!!!! Reviews brighten my day! 

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Outkast's "Hey, ya", Abercrombie and Fitch, Guico, and anything else you could try to pin blame on me for. So there. : P


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